Using Law of Attraction to help boyfriend be less negative

by Rhonda
(San Antonio, TX)

Question: I just came upon your site today. Talk about the LOA! I really needed something like this!

I'm not exactly sure how to approach this one but will try. My long time boyfriend is very strong-minded. It's a quality to be admired. However, he tends to sometimes talk negatively about whether or not he can do a certain thing. So, I will remind him that he can do whatever it is.

My problem is that 1) this takes up some of my energy, 2) if he's in a bad place it is felt throughout the home, looming like a black cloud so that bothers me, 3) he can be very negative towards me (I think sometimes he wants me to depend on him, but on the other hand it weighs on him.)

How can I shake off the negative feeling that I get in my stomach when he gets in this mood? I don't want it to effect me.

Real Life LoA Answer: Hi Rhonda,

What a GREAT question! This is SO common for any of us who have to interact with other people in our lives (which, of course, is ALL of us, most of the time!?!)

There are a number of things going on in a situation like this – both because of his natural tendencies, belief patterns, and habits of thought and behavior, as well as yours. But yours are the only ones you can do anything about. I mention that right off the bat, because much of this answer is going to seem like the onus is on you to be the one who changes, even though he is the one who has the habit of negativity. That may seem frustrating at first, but there is a good reason for it, and it will bring YOU Peace far more quickly than trying to directly influence him ever can!

What YOU experience about other people has ONLY to do with what YOU notice about them, expect from them, and give your attention and focus to about them. That is not to say that his behavior is your fault, it's just that when you are noticing his negative aspects, you are attracting more of your own ability to notice more and more things of a similar nature. Through the Law of Attraction, you are attracting the evidence to support your own current thoughts and beliefs about the situation.

Take me for example, I am the kind of person who has the troublesome habit of "labeling" a situation when it is happening, almost always focusing on what I do NOT like about it – when my husband is grumpy, I say to myself things like: "I hate when he is grumpy", or "I wish he wasn't grumpy", or "life would be so much easier if he didn't stress himself out so much", or "it is so frustrating when he is angry!"

Because the essence of what I have my attention on, (no matter what words I am using,) is "grumpy", "stressed out", "angry", "frustrating" – those are the kinds of feelings, emotions, and situations the Law of Attraction brings me more of, because that is what I am focusing on.

The trick is for me to deliberately stop myself, and ask myself what I do want to experience and see/feel instead, and then to start to give my attention to that. It is tempting to think: "well, I want him to NOT be grumpy," but, the Universe does not understand negations, it only feels the essence of the subject of my thought, which is still emphasizing "grumpy."

So, I have to think of some positive words, thoughts, images, and ideas that describe what I DO WANT him (or I) to be experiencing – things like: "I want him to be peaceful", and "I want him to feel energized, in the flow, happy, productive, creative, resourceful, inspired, connected, content, relaxed, refreshed, calm, satisfied, fulfilled, capable, excited, enthused, fascinated, interested, hopeful, optimistic, confident..." etc. Then, I have to actually picture and imagine him feeling that way and experiencing those emotions – I have to deliberately "see" him with the feelings and behavior I would like him to be having.

Now usually this cannot be done while in the presence of someone who is actively engaging in behavior/actions you do not like – the evidence is too strong, and trying to "imagine" them otherwise is bucking a current of attraction that is too big – it feel like a "lie" to your subconscious. In those cases, excuse yourself to the nearest sanctuary (there is one in just about every building, often marked with words/icons to indicate "men" or "women") and take a moment to imagine the new scenario, set your new intentions there. You do not need to tell him what you are doing, in fact, it is better if you do not.

When you come out, he probably won't have changed instantly, but as you practice the new habit more and more, you will begin to see NEW evidence more and more often, such that it really does seem like he is changing!

What is really going on is that YOU are changing your own pattern of attraction, and then the Law of Attraction MUST bring you new evidence to support your new focus of attention. He may still have those negative tendencies, but they will rarely be expressed around you!

This may seem like it will take a great deal of energy on your part, but it really won't (and it will be nothing compared to the immense amount of your energy that gets used when you try to convince him of his own abilities and he "digs in" arguing for his limitations!) It is a matter of forming a new habit, and once you practice it just a bit, it will be almost effortless to do.

An added benefit of this practice is that it aligns YOUR conscious energy, vibration, and focus with that of your own Inner Being and Source Energy (who loves everyone and everything all the time.) And, when YOU are aligned with Source Energy (in the flow, in the vortex, feeling peaceful) YOU are automatically attracting ALL of YOUR desires at the same time! So you are doing double-duty – you help to influence his peaceful feelings and attract the fulfillment of your dreams at the same time, and you feel good while you are doing it – win, win, win!

Some other things you can be doing, for ongoing "maintenance" (and so it is not so difficult to switch gears in the heat of the moment in the future) is:

  • When you are feeling particularly loving toward him, start to create an continuing list of his positive aspects, and best qualities – write them all down as you think of them, and then add to the list every chance you get. This also helps YOU to stay in alignment while giving you a tool to refer to at those times when you don’t feel quite so loving.

  • When something he does, or says pisses you off, or upsets you, ask yourself "would I trade him in for this?" If the answer is no, (which it usually will be,) then you have some perspective about whether or not you want to allow yourself to feel bad, and have your feathers ruffled because of whatever the action was. When you are feeling bad, you are not in alignment with YOUR desires – for him, or for you – so you will be better served to switching your attention ON to something that does feel good (and off of thinking about whatever he did to upset you.)

  • Try to do more things that uplift, enrich, and nurture YOU, regardless of what he is doing, but, especially if you need to shift your own focus. Quietly excuse yourself and go meditate for a little while, take a walk, be in nature, listen to some wonderful music, dance, take a nap, do one of the Abraham Law of Attraction guided meditations, participate in one of your hobbies, etc. Do something FUN for you – that is always healing and helpful, for ANY situation!

Now, as for the specific points you mentioned. When someone else is feeling down, low, angry, fearful, or pessimistic, there is no one else who can do anything about it effectively – it has to come from within. When we shine a light on them, or their real abilities, it only causes them pain because they are in too dark a place for the "light" to be welcome. Usually that person will lash out at you for trying to "talk them out" of how they are feeling, and then both people are upset, and, as you have already pointed out, it takes a great deal of energy too!

The better thing to do is to silently (emphasis on silently) know in your own heart what they are capable of, imagine them happy and connected to their own Source, and let them be – hold your image of them in a loving space, and let them just be where they are. When YOU know that they are where they are, it will be OK, and that this is just the beginning of a journey that will turn out beautifully in the long run, you can feel Peace.

When you KNOW that they can figure it out, and find the way through their own feelings, without "helping" them to do it, that's when you really empower them. That is the BEST kind of feeling – to believe in him, and have him feel it on some level, even without words!

Thank you also for your compliments on the Real Life Law of Attraction site – I am so glad that the Law of Attraction was able to connect with you the very information you needed at the perfect time. I know what a relief that can be, and it is my pleasure to assist! Thank you for taking the time to write, and to express your appreciation – I am so grateful!

Love and blessings to you,


Comments for Using Law of Attraction to help boyfriend be less negative

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May 10, 2013
Thank you!!!
by: Anonymous

This post just made my morning. My boyfriend texted me a moment ago saying, "Interesting. My boss threw me under the bus 2-3 times this morning. How are you babe?". Now, I know he is half-joking, but he frequently uses disempowering language (they've got me chained...wage slavery, etc.) and he doesn't feel good in his job. Hearing this, I started to get irritated and feel like, why can't he be different? Just read this article and it helps a lot...he is a very compassionate, loving, intelligent guy who relates to the world in a different way than I do. I dislike feeling judgemental about his jokes ...for him the are jokes, but I typically interpret as symptoms...your article has given me a new way of being present with my love. Thank you!!!

Aug 26, 2015
Teared up
by: Anonymous

Oh how I needed this!!!! I've been feeling so helpless and quite frankly worried my relationship is headed south. He's so negative sometimes and it brings me down! Thing is, I know he wants to be happy-he's told me! I'm going to work on this because I truly believe he can be so much happier!!! Loved this!!!!!!

Aug 26, 2015
I'm SO glad it's helpful!
by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator

I was just re-reading this one (and doing it more) myself recently, and it has been working wonders!

Thank you so much for taking a moment to write and share that is has helped you. Love and blessings to you!

Oct 22, 2015
very helpful
by: Anonymous

This was really helpful!! I was almost going cray about my boyfriend negativity. I mean I know there is a lot gong on in his life right now, it is the same for me too actually, but I usually compare him to myself and Im like how can he be as positive as I am? or why cant he just be happy and satisfied?! Now I know what to do! hope it works because he is good in so many ways, I just dont want our relationship to end because of this

Nov 03, 2015
Grateful that you found it, do hope it helps!
by: Andrea

Please let us know how it goes...

In my own experience, it usually works like magic as soon as I start consistently focusing my own mind on the positive aspects.

Keep us posted!

Oct 17, 2017
Just what I needed
by: Anonymous

This was sooo helpful. I went searching on the site for advice on how to help my teenage son who is negative, unhappy, and full of anger. Although your response referred to an adult relationship, it was completely transferable to a mother/son relationship. I'm going to print this out and refer to it daily.

Oct 18, 2017
I'm SO glad it helped!
by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator

I'm so happy that you were able to find something that can help you with your son, and I feel confident for you that it will do just that! It cannot not, actually, when you change your point of focus (how you think ABOUT him) he can really only show up that new way when he is around you -- because both are true all the time, it's just a matter of what your own thoughts strengthen and magnify in the moment.

On another note, as I was reading your comment, I was inspired to ask you if you are familiar with a body of teachings called "Human Design"? It's a system for understanding one's own unique energetic 'wiring' or 'blueprint' of qualities, talents, and optimal ways of interacting with the world. One of the five overall types is what's called a "Manifestor" (the others are Generator, Manifesting Generator, Projector, and Reflector).

But the reason I am mentioning it here, is that if your son is a Manifestor, then he is a spirit who is NOT here to be told what to do. Manifestors, in Human Design parlance, are meant to be VERY independent, and to really do their own thing, and then simply inform others about what they are going to do (but not need to ask permission). When they can't, the response is a deep anger. It may be something worth looking into if what I've mentioned here resonates for you at all?

Blessings, love, light, and best wishes to you and your son!

Dec 09, 2017
Now to reallocate the energy!
by: Lilu

Thank you for this article.
I’ve tried many times to change the negativity that my boyfriend has. It’s started to change me as a person and I really struggle with my own negativity as a result. I’ve recently been told by my negative boyfriend that I’m angry or negative, and focus too much in the bad things- but I really feel like it’s becsuse he plants the seed and I’m allowing it to grow inside me!
His negative energy is so strong without him even needing to say anything. It emanates and looms around us both like a dark cloud.
I’ve had enough!
I do believe that I have the strength and power to change this situation- and it’s just going to take me a bit of focus to reallocate my energy to focusing on what I want to feel, and how, in turn, I want him to feel too- calm, positive, accepting, happy.

Jan 03, 2018
Reallocating energy is a GREAT idea
by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator

Hi Lilu,

Your words are wise, and choosing to reallocate energy around such a strong pattern is a brave decision -- good for you -- you CAN do it!

And, in my own experience, patterns of extreme negativity are often the result of traumatic experiences we all have as children (emotional or physical abuse, alcoholic or addicted parents, neglect, poverty, illnesses, family hardships, etc.)

If you are looking for additional support, you may also be served by working with a professional therapist, and/or reading these books that have really helped me:

It Didn't Start With You, by Mark Wolynn
Radical Forgiveness, by Colin Tipping

Blessings and love to you (and to all who read this!)

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