Using Law of Attraction to help boyfriend be less negative
(San Antonio, TX)
Question: I just came upon your site today. Talk about the LOA! I really needed something like this!
I'm not exactly sure how to approach this one but will try. My long time boyfriend is very strong-minded. It's a quality to be admired. However, he tends to sometimes talk negatively about whether or not he can do a certain thing. So, I will remind him that he can do whatever it is.
My problem is that 1) this takes up some of my energy, 2) if he's in a bad place it is felt throughout the home, looming like a black cloud so that bothers me, 3) he can be very negative towards me (I think sometimes he wants me to depend on him, but on the other hand it weighs on him.)
How can I shake off the negative feeling that I get in my stomach when he gets in this mood? I don't want it to effect me.
Real Life LoA Answer: Hi Rhonda,
What a GREAT question! This is SO common for any of us who have to interact with other people in our lives (which, of course, is ALL of us, most of the time!?!)
There are a number of things going on in a situation like this – both because of his natural tendencies, belief patterns, and habits of thought and behavior, as well as yours. But yours are the only ones you can do anything about. I mention that right off the bat, because much of this answer is going to seem like the onus is on you to be the one who changes, even though he is the one who has the habit of negativity. That may seem frustrating at first, but there is a good reason for it, and it will bring YOU Peace far more quickly than trying to directly influence him ever can!
What YOU experience about other people has ONLY to do with what YOU notice about them, expect from them, and give your attention and focus to about them. That is not to say that his behavior is your fault, it's just that when you are noticing his negative aspects, you are attracting more of your own ability to notice more and more things of a similar nature. Through the Law of Attraction, you are attracting the evidence to support your own current thoughts and beliefs about the situation.
Take me for example, I am the kind of person who has the troublesome habit of "labeling" a situation when it is happening, almost always focusing on what I do NOT like about it – when my husband is grumpy, I say to myself things like: "I hate when he is grumpy", or "I wish he wasn't grumpy", or "life would be so much easier if he didn't stress himself out so much", or "it is so frustrating when he is angry!"
Because the essence of what I have my attention on, (no matter what words I am using,) is "grumpy", "stressed out", "angry", "frustrating" – those are the kinds of feelings, emotions, and situations the Law of Attraction brings me more of, because that is what I am focusing on.
The trick is for me to deliberately stop myself, and ask myself what I do want to experience and see/feel instead, and then to start to give my attention to that. It is tempting to think: "well, I want him to NOT be grumpy," but, the Universe does not understand negations, it only feels the essence of the subject of my thought, which is still emphasizing "grumpy."
So, I have to think of some positive words, thoughts, images, and ideas that describe what I DO WANT him (or I) to be experiencing – things like: "I want him to be peaceful", and "I want him to feel energized, in the flow, happy, productive, creative, resourceful, inspired, connected, content, relaxed, refreshed, calm, satisfied, fulfilled, capable, excited, enthused, fascinated, interested, hopeful, optimistic, confident..." etc. Then, I have to actually picture and imagine him feeling that way and experiencing those emotions – I have to deliberately "see" him with the feelings and behavior I would like him to be having.
Now usually this cannot be done while in the presence of someone who is actively engaging in behavior/actions you do not like – the evidence is too strong, and trying to "imagine" them otherwise is bucking a current of attraction that is too big – it feel like a "lie" to your subconscious. In those cases, excuse yourself to the nearest sanctuary (there is one in just about every building, often marked with words/icons to indicate "men" or "women") and take a moment to imagine the new scenario, set your new intentions there. You do not need to tell him what you are doing, in fact, it is better if you do not.
When you come out, he probably won't have changed instantly, but as you practice the new habit more and more, you will begin to see NEW evidence more and more often, such that it really does seem like he is changing!
What is really going on is that YOU are changing your own pattern of attraction, and then the Law of Attraction MUST bring you new evidence to support your new focus of attention. He may still have those negative tendencies, but they will rarely be expressed around you!
This may seem like it will take a great deal of energy on your part, but it really won't (and it will be nothing compared to the immense amount of your energy that gets used when you try to convince him of his own abilities and he "digs in" arguing for his limitations!) It is a matter of forming a new habit, and once you practice it just a bit, it will be almost effortless to do.
An added benefit of this practice is that it aligns YOUR conscious energy, vibration, and focus with that of your own Inner Being and Source Energy (who loves everyone and everything all the time.) And, when YOU are aligned with Source Energy (in the flow, in the vortex, feeling peaceful) YOU are automatically attracting ALL of YOUR desires at the same time! So you are doing double-duty – you help to influence his peaceful feelings and attract the fulfillment of your dreams at the same time, and you feel good while you are doing it – win, win, win!
Some other things you can be doing, for ongoing "maintenance" (and so it is not so difficult to switch gears in the heat of the moment in the future) is:
- When you are feeling particularly loving toward him, start to create an continuing list of his positive aspects, and best qualities – write them all down as you think of them, and then add to the list every chance you get. This also helps YOU to stay in alignment while giving you a tool to refer to at those times when you don’t feel quite so loving.
- When something he does, or says pisses you off, or upsets you, ask yourself "would I trade him in for this?" If the answer is no, (which it usually will be,) then you have some perspective about whether or not you want to allow yourself to feel bad, and have your feathers ruffled because of whatever the action was. When you are feeling bad, you are not in alignment with YOUR desires – for him, or for you – so you will be better served to switching your attention ON to something that does feel good (and off of thinking about whatever he did to upset you.)
- Try to do more things that uplift, enrich, and nurture YOU, regardless of what he is doing, but, especially if you need to shift your own focus. Quietly excuse yourself and go meditate for a little while, take a walk, be in nature, listen to some wonderful music, dance, take a nap, do one of the Abraham Law of Attraction guided meditations, participate in one of your hobbies, etc. Do something FUN for you – that is always healing and helpful, for ANY situation!
Now, as for the specific points you mentioned. When someone else is feeling down, low, angry, fearful, or pessimistic, there is no one else who can do anything about it effectively – it has to come from within. When we shine a light on them, or their real abilities, it only causes them pain because they are in too dark a place for the "light" to be welcome. Usually that person will lash out at you for trying to "talk them out" of how they are feeling, and then both people are upset, and, as you have already pointed out, it takes a great deal of energy too!
The better thing to do is to silently (emphasis on silently) know in your own heart what they are capable of, imagine them happy and connected to their own Source, and let them be – hold your image of them in a loving space, and let them just be where they are. When YOU know that they are where they are, it will be OK, and that this is just the beginning of a journey that will turn out beautifully in the long run, you can feel Peace.
When you KNOW that they can figure it out, and find the way through their own feelings, without "helping" them to do it, that's when you really empower them. That is the BEST kind of feeling – to believe in him, and have him feel it on some level, even without words!
Thank you also for your compliments on the Real Life Law of Attraction site – I am so glad that the Law of Attraction was able to connect with you the very information you needed at the perfect time. I know what a relief that can be, and it is my pleasure to assist! Thank you for taking the time to write, and to express your appreciation – I am so grateful!
Love and blessings to you,