Unresolved: Difficulty forgiving my partner
Question: A year ago my partner dumped me in the middle of my move to Mexico to live with him. It was devastating on every level. I had no home to return to as I had rented mine (out to someone else). I had sold everything I owned, including professional and winter clothing. I no longer had a partner nor a best friend. I became very depressed and suffered anxiety attacks.
Now, a year later, we are back together, living separately but in the same country. I have recently found out that he dumped me because he was having emotional affairs with three other women via the internet, one he had actually dated intimately, and the other two casually. I'm having great difficulty trusting him or believing in a future.
He won't admit to the affairs nor take responsibility for how his actions, mainly the encouragement of my selling my life time possessions, has hurt both of us. I can't talk about my fears because he denies that there are reasons for them. So, I've been practicing the LOA (Law of Attraction) teachings and find a great deal of relief. However, I sometimes get caught up in this circle of wanting him to admit the truth as I believe that his remorse would help me resolve the conflict. Knowing that this will not be the case, I need a method to help me break my own cycle.
Real Life LoA Answer: Hi Beth,
Ooooh, this is such a tough situation, I really feel for you - I'm really sorry you have to be in such an uncertain position in your relationship!
However, one of the main challenges is that you are looking for him to change, or to do something different/admit something in order for you to feel better. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. As frustrating/maddening as the situation is, you cannot let your own happiness depend on him, OR on your ability to forgive him. As much as it feels like it is sometimes, it really isn't about him.
What it's really about is you honoring your own intuition, and your own Emotional Guidance system from the start, so that you are making choices that are in alignment with what your own heart/Inner Being know is truly best for you (and what is most deeply desired in the big picture sense!)
You can do it, you are already on the right path - through this situation, as difficult as it is, you ARE clarifying for yourself and cultivating the vision of what your heart truly desires...
And, your Inner Guidance has been whispering to you all along, but what hurts is that in the past you didn't heed it's advice.
However, let's get to moving forward; how to break the cycle, and how to align your own energy and focus to be in keeping with your bigger dreams so that the Law of Attraction can manifest something even better for you (either within this relationship or another one.)
To attract something that is in keeping with what you truly desire and deserve in a relationship, here is how to proceed:
1) Decide what you you most want from a relationship. You probably want monogamy, but also consider things like feeling satisfied and fulfilled, or enjoying robust communication and friendship. Think about how you want to be attracted, and feel attractive. Be sure to include qualities like a sense of humor, kindness, partnership, talents, family connections, social habits, skills, and traits you admire or want to experience in your relationship.
2) Get in touch with WHY you want those qualities in your partner - imagine what it would feel like to be in relationship with someone who has those qualities, and allow yourself to identify why you enjoy it. The answers will be unique to you, and that's OK - the heart wants what the heart wants. When you have a good grasp of WHY you desire what you are dreaming about, the Universe and the Law of Attraction are much more able to get it to you.
3) Spend as much time as you can thinking affirmatively in terms of already experiencing those qualities in your partner (as well as other friends/people around you.) Say affirmations to yourself such as "I am enjoying a satisfying, fulfilling, and deeply communicative and fun relationship with my partner" or "I am just loving all the kind, funny, and sweet things my partner does for me." Even thinking about past relationship in which you've experienced those feelings will be helpful.
These affirmations do not have to be "true" in the beginning, but it gives the Universe a clear understanding of what it is that you want. And when both you and the Universe are clear, then either your current partner will start to inexplicably start to subtly transform to be more that way, or someone new who IS more that way will come forward.
4) Focus on the qualities that you DO love, admire, and appreciate about your current partner, and not at all (or as little as possible) on what it is that you wish he'd do differently, or change, or what you don't like about him. The reason for this is that the Law of Attraction will respond to the energy of the positive qualities and bring you more situations (and people) that possess those qualities. And, like the point above. Your current partner will either show you more of those positive qualities (and less of the negative ones) or someone new will come forward.
But that being said, people do not fundamentally change very often. Almost never. Maja Angelou has a quote along the lines of: "When people show you who they are (through their actions) -- believe them." It is not your job to fix, change, alter, or improve your boyfriend, not even for the sake of your relationship with him. Nor is it helpful for you to think of him in terms of his potential.
5) Do as many things that are FUN for you as you can. Focus as much of your attention as you possibly can on being happy and busy, happy and busy, happy and busy. The more engaged you are in your OWN life, interests, and hobbies the faster the Law of Attraction can bring you ALL of your desires -- including the real love you deserve!
I'm sorry that your current relationship situation is so difficult (and probably very painful as well.) But, it is actually there to serve YOU and help you to get in touch with what would be better for you. What the relationship is doing for you is helping you to clarify what YOU want INSTEAD - that is the starting point for all of your manifestations, and the essential first step in having the Law of Attraction bring them your way.
If you want a monogamous relationship, you owe to yourself to go find that. Only you can decide what you will settle for, and it is your responsibility to make yourself available to attract what you want rather than trying to change someone else into it.
"The Universe will ONLY give you EXACTLY what you are willing to settle for."
Bad situations help you to clarify - that is their purpose. When you are in a bad situation, your heart is formatting the image and idea of what you would prefer instead - it happens automatically. But, once you have an idea of what you want instead, what would be even better, it is time to move on and move yourself toward that.
But, I do know that is easier said than done. And breaking away from an attachment can be very difficult, especially in a case like yours in which you have fundamentally altered your own life to be in the relationship! And forgiving him is important too -- not for his sake, or for the sake of the relationship to continue, but for you. Even when anger is perfectly justified, as it is in your case, carrying around anger and resentment is toxic to you and your future manifestations!
What I would recommend is The Work of Byron Katie. Everything you need to use the work of Byron Katie is available for free on her website (www.thework.com) and it is the BEST tool I have ever used for changing energy on a subject and releasing attachments. The most important part about "The Work" is filling out the "judge your neighbor worksheet" completely, going all the way through each of the steps, and paying particular attention to the three turn-arounds and finding three believable examples for each.
You can do this. You have outgrown this situation as it is, and your heart has already expanded into the next thing. You are on the right track, and in the perfect position for the Law of Attraction to assist you in moving toward it. That is why the old situation feels so uncomfortable. You deserve more. You are worthy of, and deserve even more love than your heart can imagine right now -- that is why it has been so frustrating -- because the Universe is calling you forward toward more.
Please leave a comment if you would like any of this expanded on further, or if you have any other questions. Until then, love, light and blessings to you as you move forward on your adventures in love!