Attracting a specific lover back when I know he loves me.

Question: I've dated this man for a couple of years. I had a great time, felt loved, respected, desired etc., and I felt that same for him.
Then, out of the blue (for me) he sort of ended it - became distant. This was very confusing for me. I found out he suffers deep depression at certain times of the year (SADD? I assume).

He sort of re-establishes our relationship on and off. I found out he dates random women he meets on the internet (he doesn't know i know this - a dear friend of his told me!!!) and whenever he feels like it, he calls me. He said he loves and cares for me (as a friend) and would like to just keep it that way.

As much as that crushed me, we agreed to be friends (he says I am his best friend) and no sex. He says he just doesn't have the romantic/sex feeling towards me anymore, and that he is searching for the "one" and I am not it. We do a lot together: travel, I stay at his place for days, we go out, movies, parties, see friends (as a couple?? - they think we are a romantic couple), cook together, text and talk frequently, we even sleep in the same bed .... no sex).

I know in my heart that we were meant to be together in an exclusive, committed, romantic relationship - but he is afraid of committment!!!!!! He has had bad relationships in the past and is afraid, and doesn't want to hurt me so keeps me at arms length.

He is not a talker, very shy, introverted, non-confrontational and will avoid discussing this every time.

I love him and don't know what to do?????

Real Life LoA Answer: This question was actually written a couple of years ago, but the situation is still very real for many, many, many people, because I keep getting asked variations of it.... So, here is the answer (even if the original poster has moved on, hopefully?!)

Unfortunately, the Universe and the Law of Attraction just does not work this way. If this man is telling you that he does not have romantic or sexual feelings for you -- believe him!

And, to make matters worse, as long as you are focused on this guy, your REAL partner -- the REAL man of your dreams -- cannot find you (because you are energetically unavailable.)

You need to stop wasting your time, energy and attention on someone who is just using your love and affection for his own selfish reasons. He is not doing anything wrong, you're just letting him walk all over you. It's up to YOU to make a new choice for yourself.

It's up to YOU to create a life for yourself that is happy and busy, happy and busy, happy and busy, and happy and busy -- without him! ...Only then will you be giving off the loving vibrational energy that WILL attract the real man of your dreams!

They aren't about the Law of Attraction, but I recommend that you read these three books as soon as possible:

"He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt
"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov
"Loving What Is" by Byron Katie

The last one is probably the most important, because with the tools and wisdom in that book you can get over the habit of trying to argue with the reality of life, and start to move on.

I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear (which is maybe why I waited so long to write the answer after you submitted the question) but it's reality. To quote Byron Katie: How do I know it's reality? Because it is what has happened.

Like I said at the beginning of the answer, I hope you have already moved on and found the REAL person who truly is the partner of your dreams. But, for anyone else who is reading this, take heart, YOU DESERVE SO SO SO SO SO MUCH MORE than being someone's play toy.

Sending you love, hugs, and good wishes for finding your own center and the love of your life!

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Mar 25, 2015
Good article about (non) exclusivity while dating
by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator

A friend of mine, Susan Winter, wrote this great article for Huffington Post on this very same subject today:

Are You Stuck in His 'Stable'? by Susan Winter

It reminds me of an EXCELLENT rule for anyone who is seeking a monogamous partnership, rather than sleeping around. That is:

Make monogamy/"being exclusive" to one another a condition that must be met PRIOR to having sex.

This advice has been echoed time and time again, by such experts as Dr. Toni Grant, Pat Allan, Allison Armstrong, and many others. It's good.

I was strict about it myself when I was first dating my husband, and required that he end an emotional relationship with another woman friend before he and I took it to the next level. In my case, it was not because he was having any sexual encounters with her, but that she was much more "attached" than he, and was still hoping for more of a relationship with him. I knew that it was not fair to her (or to the foundations of my then new relationship with him) to let him keep stringing her along (even though he wasn't intentionally doing it.) He ended things with her, and we were free to form the solid bond we still share today -- that was more than 10 years ago now.

Stand up for yourselves, people!

If YOU want monogamy in a relationship, it is up to you create those conditions (and play within them yourself) right from the start.

Mar 25, 2015
Thank you Andrea for your wise commentary
by: Susan Winter

Andrea, thank you for sharing my article. I love your website! Wonderful, inspirational and important advice here. Sometimes we're so very close to achieving what we want. We're just in need of a little mental tweaking. You're providing excellent real-world information that's coming from a higher level of understanding. From that perspective, the miraculous suddenly becomes reality. Thank you for your wisdom! Susan

May 16, 2015
You are not his "one"
by: Anonymous

If a man says this to you, he means it. Here is another part to this puzzle. Men don't do friends with a woman, women can do this, but men really don't. You need to raise your standards and stop being his comfort blanket. Ask yourself, why are you waiting for this guy to change? He's not your one either. Even in LOA there is the saying "This or something better". So go get your something better!!

May 19, 2015
Well said!
by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator

Amen! What you wrote is beautifully said, thank you so much for adding your wisdom!!

Jul 10, 2015
Men CAN be friends with women
by: Louisa

I don't agree with the poster above. I have numerous male friends who are just that, friends. A couple of them are exes but we have moved on from that and we went out many years ago and decided we were better off as friends. I am really happy with the male friends in my life - I don't want anything romantic from them and they don't from me either.

Aug 13, 2015
Thank you Louisa, you're right
by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator

Hi Louisa,

You are absolutely right, there are plenty of men who can be friends with women, without having any romantic involvement. I have lots of men friends, gay, straight, and trans, who are just my friends.

Though, the key is that both people are completely honest with each other (and themselves) about what it is they do want from the relationship. So, neither one is "secretly hoping" the other one will someday change his/her mind and decide they are in love, as often happens in the movies.

There are also plenty of people out there who will allow an admirer to keep "hanging around" even though they know that person wants more from the "friendship" than they do. But, they like the attention, and the companionship, and to have a "back up" plan so they don't have to feel lonely. And, if that is the case, neither person is being really honest, so it's not a true friendship anyway.

But, Louisa, you make an excellent point, and it goes to show that generalizations are dangerous, thank you. And, at the same time, if an individuals' actions are not honorable and respectful, that's important information too.

Thank you so much!

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